Emese Taylor

Sex & Relationship Therapist

Book an appointment 07943 621 149
emesetaylor@sextherapist.london

Forgiving After a Betrayal.

To be cheated on by your partner, someone to whom you have given your trust and your love is a terrible betrayal. More than just a thoughtless act, it sets in motion a series of complex and increasingly toxic feelings, breaking down everything you have worked so hard to nurture and causing deep wounds that many simply can’t recover from.

It can be hard to understand why someone would cheat on you. Sometimes it can be due to a chance encounter or opportunity that comes about without any planning or intention. There can be issues inside the relationship that are not being addressed and one of those involved will look for external comfort or affirmation. They might feel bored or unattractive as their relationship has become a routine and seek excitement and escapism elsewhere.

Whatever the reasons behind an affair, many find it impossible to forgive their partner and feel that once their trust has been broken they are unable to reclaim it. It is very common for this to be the end of a relationship, but for others there is a genuine desire to rebuild and repair what has been tarnished.

This is no easy task, but often there are factors in the relationship that make the need for reconciliation more important, such as children, financial investment or the feeling that too much work has already gone into something to just walk away from things.

So if you are set on the idea of forgiveness, how can you go about such a seemingly daunting task?

Reflection is important. Time away from your partner so that you can gather your thoughts and feelings on the matter is essential and also serves as a cooling off period. This is when options are considered and you must decide if you do want to move on with forgiveness or end things entirely. Once an affair has been revealed, the trauma will cause feelings such as anger and betrayal and these resentments will have to be addressed.

As such the next step is communication. Arranging a meeting with your partner to discuss things after the event will be a difficult time for you both. Broken trust is an exceedingly difficult wall to break down and the aggrieved party will feel like hitting out in anger at the one who has hurt them, who themselves will be suffering from guilt and remorse, making them equally as prone to emotional outpourings.

Many find the use of a therapist or counselor beneficial during these times, as someone with the ability to mediate and offer their own perspective and expertise on the issue can help to defuse the situation. An affair is often symptomatic of other problems in the relationship and for many it can serve as a wake up call, an opportunity to address these issues rather than leaving them to fester, although such a rational response during this period of resentment and emotional upheaval is far from the norm!

In conclusion, an affair is much more than a series of physical acts. It will never not feel like a betrayal of trust and confidence and it’s outcome will depend very much upon the persons involved. There is no standard set of behaviors or expectations as to how you should react and the situation must be resolved on it’s own merit. However, if you have the capacity to forgive and believe your relationship deserves a second chance and if your partner shows willingness to work to regain your trust and become a better person then it is possible to move on.

OCD & Anxiety Inside a Relationship.

Anxiety and OCD are often talked about in the same breath and frequently come hand in hand. Someone suffering from issues with anxiety may well end up developing OCD type behavior as a mechanism with which to cope with this, leading to a spiral of destructive habits that can be harmful not only to them but also to their friends, family and partners.

Read more
How can I ever trust you again?

An affair or other infidelity can be one of the most heart breaking events we can experience. After years of trust and building up a bond, a friendship and an intimate connection with someone who may also now be the parent to your children only to find they have sought comfort in the arms of another is something that can devastate an otherwise happy relationship.

Read more
How to Enjoy the Perfect Date Night

The Date Night is something of a modern phenomenon that has willed itself into existence to help us with our increasingly busy lives and schedules to make time for those that we love.

Read more
Pistanthrophobia - The fear of trust.

One of the fundamental ways we learn and develop as individuals is by experience. Common sense and reason should be our driving force for development, but things that we go through are far more likely to stick with us and drive our actions and future choices.

Read more